Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
