While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
