I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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