I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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