sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
