my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
