you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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