guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
