Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
