There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
