we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
