so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
