Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
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