Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
