i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
