You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Help. Why am I so naked?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
