Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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