K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
