Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
