It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
