you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
