I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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