I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
no, he came in my armpit
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
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