Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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