I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
