So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
