just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize