After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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