That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
