The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
