just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
