I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
