If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
