I met the friendliest cop last night
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
not ubering you a puppy
Holy shit dude........stairs
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
