I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
