I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
