Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
