i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
