hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize