I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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