My Higher Power is John Stamos
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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