After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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