swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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