I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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