well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
