i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
