When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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