That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
