I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
