She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
