i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
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