in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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