Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
