Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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