Four minutes until I can fart!
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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