I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
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