At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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