New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I want her autograph on my taint
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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