Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
