Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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